The most interesting part of listening to my friend share his fear masked as a break-up is how much my mind wants to turn what he says into a failure in me. What i have are two distinct conversations at the very same time. One: This is all my fault I am bad and no good and he's an idiot for blaming me and the other we're people, he's a people who is making choices and I'm a big amazing awesome woman who can give her whole heart away. And that is a very very good thing. the world needs me in it.
I have no cure for self doubt, no thing to say or do in the moment that is practical enough to keep schedule on track that will make it go away, that persistent feeling that this is somehow my fault, or that I'm an inadequate woman, except to keep thinking it through and bringing myself back to the facts of this case. And to keep a sticky note next to me and an alarm going off that says 'I choose me'. And to listen to some of the most powerful women this side of the Mississippi remind me of who I was and who I am and what I deserve and am worth to myself and to my community. I gave Roman my whole heart, loved him without expectation, except to see him soon whenever that might be and to start a life with him. And even that wasn't tied to my love. I gave him my heart and said here, 'Here's who I am' 'Here's what you are for me'. Here is what you can have with me. Now take it, I hope.
I have no cure for self doubt, no thing to say or do in the moment that is practical enough to keep schedule on track that will make it go away, that persistent feeling that this is somehow my fault, or that I'm an inadequate woman, except to keep thinking it through and bringing myself back to the facts of this case. And to keep a sticky note next to me and an alarm going off that says 'I choose me'. And to listen to some of the most powerful women this side of the Mississippi remind me of who I was and who I am and what I deserve and am worth to myself and to my community. I gave Roman my whole heart, loved him without expectation, except to see him soon whenever that might be and to start a life with him. And even that wasn't tied to my love. I gave him my heart and said here, 'Here's who I am' 'Here's what you are for me'. Here is what you can have with me. Now take it, I hope.
Never ever was my man Roman a small person, meaning, he has been somebody who could be counted on to be bold in his life, to strike out for what he wants. And his wants were not possible in his mind. It wasn't a done deal or a predicable outcome that he'd get what he fought for. He doubled his income from one month to the next. So he could be the kind of father he'd wanted to be. So, when he told me was having second thoughts, doubts, things weren't working for him, he had snuffed his flame, I was shocked, hurt, angry and sad. Especially because he has the tools to UN-DIM HIS OWN SHINE. He doesn't need me to do any of that for him and in reality, he is the only one who can do that for himself anywhere with anybody in any relationship. And he hasn't ever been willing to do with any woman he's been with, preferring to leave before he makes himself known, before we can see him for who he is. That man can UNDIM HIS SHINE with his own resources which doesn't mean he is willing to, nor does it mean he will or that he is ready to.
He had shared some of his struggle earlier in the weeks and we both trusted he would share himself, he would do that so he could be alive for himself and for me, and his life; he would allow himself to grow through his own fears of being vulnerable, of being in a relationship. And he ultimately took a different thought path. He forgot his own rules about love, his own rules about our relationship, our own creation and the future we had started to create together.
I've tried to stand back and be human with us, acknowledge our mistakes. But I can't say I haven't found myself angry at him for being stupid enough to let go of what he had with me. When you find somebody who's willing to be there and love you no matter what you do or say, that is the time to cash in, not cash out. That's the time to let yourself get scared to death and do it anyway. Not back off.
But my opinions don't belong in a life that is not mine. It is his life, his circus. And it is his circus to live and to make choices in and to do what he thinks is best for himself and his path.
My promise to myself somewhere along this path, has been to do for myself, to tend to the workings of my life, to expand my time to spend my time on my own passions, to stretch myself by setting new goals, to focus and take action. And what has emerged along the path of discovering what to do to honor and keep this promise is that I'm excited for myself and the unknown in my life, even sometimes and especially the past few days, when it has felt so cumbersome and heavy and scary to face the parts that aren't where they need to be. I own a landscaping company. My clients pay me dearly for the service they get. And my crew is not put together to start a big project tomorrow at 8 am, and my insides are riddled with doubt, self doubt, fear, negative futures, resentments, and failure. But I don't need to solve any of that. There is nothing broken about those feelings. They're just feelings. They come with the human being package. There is just one call after the next.
I would honor myself by looking at what the things are to do for myself, rather than what are the things I would do that would push back at Roman for leaving. By looking at all the ways I don't want to move on, at all the ways I want to kill him off, all the ways my reaction is to thwart his leaving, to resist my living, I want to react, to lash out in anger
because he killed my dream, or because he shut me down, or shut me out, or didn't give me a chance to fix for him what he broke in himself, or because he didn't show up for me at the time he should have. And all of those have some truth, if a small piece of truth to them. But none of that changes the loss I am feeling, the sadness of losing my friend. I woke up the day before yesterday in tears and yesterday in tears of sadness. How could this be happening again? I don't want this. He wants this. I don't. I hate him for doing this to me. I hate it that we're soooo big and we haven't made this work yet. What is wrong here with us? In there is the discovery of what ISN'T ME, AND THE DISCOVERY OF WHAT IS MY PROMISED ME. MY PROMISED ME IS WHAT I SAY, MY WORD. MY PROMISE TO CHOOSE ME. MY NOT-ME WILL WANT TO MAKE IT ALL BAD AND WRONG AND GO TO SLEEP AND GIVE UP ON MY LIFE.
Even big hearted, competent, developed little buddah people do silly stupid shit. I did silly stupid shit with that relationship once in a while. I didn't talk to him for about 3 weeks. preferring to keep my fears to myself. But our promise was to give each other space when space was needed. That was the foundational premise of our friendship before we started a relationship. It was to allow each whatever we needed. And in my 3 week silence, which I desperately needed, it was a test of that boundary pregnant with the question "Will you be here when I'm dong being gone from you?" Will you afford me the same time and space you've been given and allow us to be equals with each other?"
When we first met, neither of us did that perfectly. Roman called me frequently. I didn't want to always answer and always be there even though I really did. I wanted time for myself and my life to unfold and didn't quite know how to give that permission to myself to have it all, and include him. We are HUMAN BEING PEOPLE WITH THOUGHTS AND I FORGIVE ME.
It is hard sometimes to listen to how another person listens. Especially when they aren't sharing their feelings. And for a man who has tried his very best to share, to be vulnerable, to make me happy and to grow, I expected more. And as a woman, who wants everything in a relationship, partnering in creating a future, adventure, love, and space to be all that I am in the safety of knowing he will stay for me, and champion my growth and stand by my victories, I wanted more from him. And I consider myself lucky to have met somebody like him, who would do almost anything to step into being that man for me, and because he saw the opportunity to become or be the man he is and has always wanted to be. WE ARE HUMAN BEING PEOPLE WITH THOUGHTS AND I FORGIVE ME. My feelings and thoughts are not always consistent with WHO I REALLY AM. AND THANK GOD FOR NOT SHARING THIS SHIT WITH THE MAN I LOVE. WHAT HE GOT WAS THE BEST OF ME.
I never get to tell my feelings and thoughts what and when to do and then they'll just do that instead of what they do do.
I never get to tell my feelings and thoughts what and when to do and then they'll just do that instead of what they do do.
But as a person, I frequently dim my shine with my own anger, my own unhappiness, my resistance to things, my internal state. Especially when the game is bigger than I think I can be, my first reaction is 'how the fuck am I ever going to do this?' Why do you think I can do this?' You have no idea how small I can be. Let me show you'. "Why do the people who love me and care about me believe in ME?" FIND A DIFFERENT PERSON TO BOTHER WITH YOUR BELIEF AND YOUR FUCKING HAPPINESS. Feelings though are not my actions. And what is true and sure, is that in that relationship I stepped into the space we made for me to grow in, and he for a while, stepped into his own growth. And he has gotten to a bump in his path he hasn't been ready or willing to walk through.
